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It’s Gotta’ Be Girls!

Sometimes, it takes a person a LONG time (read: “me”) to figure out what they like having in their bed.  Not like satin versus flannel, down comforter versus bedspread, I’m talking about what goes between the sheets.  In the way of a partner.  A sexual partner.  One would think that it would be a simple thing to know what one’s sexual preference is, but it’s really not as simple as it seems.  (Of course, my being a woman, it makes sense that I would make this more complicated.  Just keep reading!  I’ll explain.  In fact, I’ll probably over-explain.)

While I’m writing these memoirs of mine, I thought I’d better give a shout out to all of my lesbian readers who are following me in this journey.  So, as you are reading the story of my life, you might need to cover your eyes (you’ll have to work out for yourselves how to keep reading that way) ’cause, and here’s your warning:  Prepare yourselves for some GUYS!

Yes, I’ve had some.  When I say “some guys”, I don’t mean it in the way that most lesbians do, trying on a few, just to make sure they don’t fit before sending them back, or that I’ve dated men for cover.  No, I did a LOT of guys for a very long time and, sometimes, I even liked it.  So sue me!

I didn’t do them on purpose.  Honest, I didn’t!  It just took me a very long time to figure out that I was a lesbian.

When I was growing up, I knew about gay people in a vague sort of way.  I knew that they existed, but I think I only really had the image of gay MEN in my head when I heard the term.  I knew there were women out there who had sex with other women.  I’d read about them in my father’s dirty books (and even I don’t understand why my illiterate father had dirty books with only words in them).  I’d seen ladies with one another in the fold-out pages of his colorful catalogues.

I’d also seen naked men in these pictures, but they always looked, well, kinda’ gross a little.  Between the legs, anyway.  Their equipment was all foreign and veiny and hung at odd, asymmetric angles.  Sure, I got all tingly when there were the pictures of the men, but then they were usually poised atop some lovely woman or other!  It took me a while to work all that out.

As a matter of fact, I was in my second marriage and had two children before it occurred to me that I liked women in a more-than-a-friend kinda’ way.  No one was more surprised than me!  I finally realized that those hot and bothered sensations that I was getting when I was reading or looking at porn were coming from an ATTRACTION to the women.

When I look at girls, I feel what guys feel when they look at girls.  Well, guys who aren’t gay, anyway.  I’m sure that it’s somewhat different because I don’t have a penis that I can stick into them (not “a” penis; my bureau holds several), but I get that desire to reach out to them, to touch them, hold them, take them, make them mine; I get that.

All of those years, drinking in women with my eyes, their tantalizing curves, their promise of softness, the feeling of the fire that they lit inside my loins, I hadn’t figured out that meant I liked them “that” way!  Seriously.

I know, I know!  My IQ is WHAT?  I learn how freakin’ slowly?

Living this adventure that is my life, I have met some really fantastic guys.  First rate men.  Some of them have even looked good naked (and if you’re a guy and I ever dated or slept with you then, yes, I’m talking about YOU!) .  Some of their junk was, well, let’s just say that the junk that men have can be just as lovely in it’s own way as the junk that we women have got.  If you like that sort of thing.  At different times, in different parts of my growth, in some of my personality states, I’ve liked that sort of thing.  I’m not going to deny it.

The thing is that sleeping with guys was easy for me.  It wasn’t important to me.  It wasn’t hard to accomplish.  If I was in a bar, I looked around, surveyed my prospects and went for what I wanted for the night.  I knew what to say, what moves to make.  It was formulaic, really.

Men are simple.  Men will always tell you what they want.  What they want is to stick their penis into something.  There are usually some bonus events built around this desire, and some conversation and game playing that goes along with it, but the goal is always the same:  I want something to stick my penis in.  It’s simple, and kind-of refreshing.  Often, a person can skip all of the built in, build-up-to it stuff and go straight to the sticking in…of “it”.

Some men even engage their secondary head BEFORE they stick their penis into something.  They think about consequences, the feelings of the other person, the safety of the act.  (We often call these men “effeminate”; i.e., like a woman.)  All this thinking?  It’s all based around the goal or consequences of …say it with me, “Sticking their penis into something.”

Women are NOTHING like this!  Women think about EVERYBODY ELSE’S feelings all of the time.  There are exceptions to this rule, and women are born with hormonal abnormalities (read: should be “normalities”) that cause them to care about their own needs more than others (we refer to them as “butch”, or masculine; i.e. manlike).  Outside of these rare examples in nature, the type of woman who is worried about her own needs first is CREATED – with time and loads of therapy.

Women who’ve asked a new person over for a visit might worry simultaneously about things like the house being too clean, so that their date might think them uptight and rigid (read: “frigid“), or not clean enough so that their date might think them slobs (read: “whores”).  Trying to work out the balance of absolutely everything, adding in all of the possible consequences, things that could go wrong, etc., quite frankly, it’s exhausting!  It also makes us (women) a bit mad.

Even now, after years of practice, when I go into a lesbian bar I have no clue how to get a girl to go home with me.  Even if I get her home, that’s no guarantee she’s putting out.  She might have just had a really bad breakup and be needing time to get over it.  She may have a doggie and be worrying about whether or not the sitter remembered to take it’s special blankie.  Her best friend may be texting her in the middle of our making out, seeking advice on her latest lesbian dramafest.  She might be having her period.  I might have a yeast infection.  Come to think of it, it’s a wonder that lesbian sex ever happens at all!

Wait a minute.  Isn’t it better for a person’s brain to continually work out puzzles?  Maybe that’s the task of women, to continually provide a challenge for our skulls in order to keep us young in mind!

I have a friend who’s heterosexual son has just started dating (poor thing).  He comes to his mom and me for advice, thinking that since we are women who love women, we should be able to give doubly-wise advice.

“Help me understand her!” he begs us, referring to his girlfriend.  “She says this and this and that, and there’s no logic in it!  I can’t figure out what she wants because what she says and what she does, it doesn’t make any sense!”

“Right,” his mom and I both agree.

“What?”

“You’re right.  What she’s saying and what she’s doing, none of it makes any sense.”  We nod in agreement.

“That doesn’t help, me,” he protests.  “I do what she says she wants and then – that’s not what she wants!”

“Let me explain this to you, simply,” his mom tells him, leaning forward and speaking slowly.  “It’s not supposed to make any sense.  It’s not going to.  You’re dating a woman.”

Women are not simple.  Some may be “easy” in terms of getting them in the sack, but sooner or later, one has to leave the bed and that’s when the REAL work begins.  While men are a joy to hang out with, play ball with, have a giggle over a fart with, it’s the women who have given me the most deep and meaningful relationships of my life.  I’m not talking about just women with whom I’ve been lovers.  I’m speaking of grandmothers, aunts, co-workers, ministers, friends, the list goes on and on!  The complexity of women may tax my brain, but it can also quicken my heart!

In contrast, I once had a man have sex with the personality state that I call “Skeleton Man”.  Now, bear in mind that this is a non-responsive state of being who shuts the functioning of my body completely down.  When a functioning me later asked the man what he was thinking, he said, “I didn’t know what else to do.  I thought it would make you feel better.  You like sex so much.  Don’t you?”  Stupid boys!  You see, I was broken, so what did he think to do?  Stick his penis in me – which brings us back around, full circle, to confirm the point that I think I was making earlier about boys and what they’re looking for.

What I’ve decided is that the relationship I like best is the one that I have with my vibrator.  That’s it!  I’ll start a trend by become the first, “out”, vibratosexual.  I’ll make my life’s work coming up with batteries that can outlast the sun, and a motor so quiet that one’s sleeping grandmother won’t hear it, even when sharing the bed.  I’ll lobby for my right to marry my vibrator and claim it as a dependent on my taxes.

That is a bit problematic, though.  One might become dependent on one’s vibrator, but is one’s vibrator really going to return that state of dependence?  One can’t have an emotional attachment to a vibrator, and it can’t have an emotional attachment back.  I can’t build a family around it.  I can’t set a place at the table, don a frilly maid’s uniform (read: “nothing but a lacy apron”) and impress it with my culinary skills.  Well, I could try, but it would look pretty silly to have a dildo sitting at attention behind a plate of creamed potatoes and green peas.

So, if I’ve got to choose, and it can’t be my mechanical friends (yes, that’s plural, but “sssshhhhhh!” none of them know about the others!), I mean, if I’ve got to choose between girls and boys, or if I don’t HAVE to choose but I WANT to.  If I want to be in a relationship that’s going to inspire me, challenge me, frustrate me, sexually satisfy me and send me into that blissful emotional space where I find pure love, well, it’s gotta’ be the girls.

Beautiful, mysterious, glorious Girls!  It’s always been the girls.  I understand that now.  And that’s perfectly, delectably, incredibly…finally – – okay!

The above post is dedicated to Patricia Crocker, who unselfishly relinquished her usual guise as the rock at my side, to don the garb of “muse” for this particular bit of foolishness.

Posted in Feedback To My Readers, My Life Today.

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4 Responses

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  1. Mike Bernier says

    This is an absolutely hilarious romp through several realms of sexuality! It’s very light-hearted compared to your other postings, and actually made me — a guy — laugh out loud. You poke fun an just about everyone, but in such a way that anyone would be hard-pressed to get upset over it. This is masterful work!

    Have you ever considered stand-up comedy? This would make a great routine! Seriously!

  2. Deneen Ansley says

    Mike – Well, I’m so thankful for my sense of humor! No doubt it’s gotten me through a lot of very tough times! It was nice to find a subject that I could approach in a way that I could use my wit.

    As to the stand-up comic career, most of my friends would probably say that I live that role every day. Well, except when I’m sitting down. Then, I guess I’m a sit-down comic….

  3. charlene says

    just jumping in to say ‘Yay Deneen! GO YOU!!’ i absolutely adore this post! it was so witty and fun and just had me enthralled from beginning to end. i was so very fortunate to have you read this piece to me, and that just added another fun aspect to it as well.

    we have had this discussion, but i will repeat myself for the sake of your other readers-i don’t know the structures of good writing, and what makes the writing good. but i have had a love of reading since i was a very small child, so i KNOW really good writing when i am reading it. your writing is excellent, hun. keep up the excellent work, and thank you SO much for sharing it with us all!

    a big round of applause. and i’m waving my sparkly pom poms, too!

  4. Deneen Ansley says

    Charlene – Your support is worth more than I can ever express, and I think that I will now be inspired to write more and more with the picture of you in mind, sparkly pom-poms and all!

    I’m just so very glad that people are eager to hear what I have to say, and that they find my work entertaining. Especially when I DO get such praise from an avid reader like yourself! I appreciate your comments and hope that you keep stopping by and joining in the conversation.



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