The Male

DAIRY FARM Jim Dollar Photography

The following post was written by the male personality of Deneen Ansley, with her blessing – and thanks:

Hey everybody.  I’m somebody new and somebody you all haven’t met yet and Deneen and I are trying hard to work this all out so that she can let me come out and talk to you.  It’s not that she doesn’t want us to come out, or that she’s being selfish or anything like that so I don’t want you all to get that impression.  She’s just real crazy about this writing stuff and she thinks its her “purpose” and all that – so she gets real finicky about letting us mess with that (I wanted to say “fuck” with that, but she still hasn’t shut up totally to let me talk and she told me to change it.)

Trying to work this out so that I can talk to you all in this mode is not an easy thing.  You see, I’m not even sure if I know how to type.  I know how to write.  I mean, I learned English and I’m old enough to know about writing and sentence structure – and to know that I don’t always wanna use proper grammar and stuff.  What we’re having to do here, and we is Deneen and me, is that she’s having to let her hands click and clack this out on the keyboard while I talk in her mind.  It’s a weird bit of stuff this co-consciousness.

So, I don’t have a name or anything.  She just calls me, “The Male”.  The only time that she is usually aware of me usually has to do with a lady.  I guess I’m a typical guy that way.  There are just these certain girls that attract my attention and…well…I start think about things I want to do with them, and things I want to say and how I want to say these things.  That’s when I start to talk to her and tell her what I want.  Oh, I know it’s confusing for you people but when I say “her” I’m talking about Deneen unless there’s some other girl I’m talking about in the sentence.

She did allow me to come out once because she wanted to play a sexual game with someone who wanted to be with a man.  It was the first time that I’d ever tried to come into alignment with her body and use it on purpose while she was still there aware and in it.  It didn’t go so well for me.

I’m awkward.  I guess the way a teenage boy is awkward.  I’ve never gotten to use the body or get used to it.  Then I have the hips that sway and these boobs of hers that I don’t know what to do with, and that don’t feel like me, or how I envision myself to be.

This person that she wanted to have sex with me (I mean, her), they laughed at my awkwardness and I kept running back to the safety of her mind and she would have to take over running things, and then I’d try to pop back in.  Kinda’ like wearing a shirt that doesn’t quite fit, ya’ know?

I wanted to be in the body, and I wanted to be able to express myself, but it was just….  I couldn’t get it right.  It made me feel bad about myself.

This person who wanted to have sex with her, this person laughed at me, too, so that was pretty ego bruising.

Let me also tell you about what is happening as I’m writing here.  She, Deneen, has told me that she’s going to allow me to write and tell my story, but she won’t shut up and stay in the background and let me do it.  She keeps wanting to edit things because she hasn’t trusted any of us to be a good enough writer to tell our stuff in any way that she considers “quality”.  That’s her word for it anyway.

I personally think that she outta just let me go to write how I talk and how I think and that this is what all of you really want to see is the real “me”.  You know her.  You don’t know me.  You don’t know how I feel, or what its like to be inside of her, trapped in and wanting to live, but wanting to do it in a way that helps the host body.  Without her being healthy and being able to live and be happy, well, I can’t run around in here doing my thinking and my dreaming and my existing.

I like that she’s a lesbian because we get to meet a lot of women that way and I like me a lot of women!  I mean, I REALLY like women!  I like those fem ones.  She goes for those butch types, and I’m not really sure about all of that.  To me, they look like boys and I don’t look at boys like that.  I try to think of them as my brothers, and as friend of hers, and I try to divorce in my mind that thing where she has sex with them and their hands are all over the body that we use and stuff.  Kinda grosses me out.

Just like her, I can dissociate and go away, though.  I’m not sure where I go.  When I’m not here, I’m just not here.  I’m blankness.  I’m a lack of existence.  Like being in hibernation, or being something dormant that only comes up out of the ground when a seasonal rain hits.

See there!  I can write all flowery like, so she needs to just back off and try to go to sleep and let me do this here writing thing.  After all, she is me, and I am a part of her, and neither of us is as good without the other.  I’m not sure that either of us can exist without the other, and I guess I’m a weepy and romantic kind of guy in that regard because I love her, and I love her for caring about me and about my existence inside of her.  I appreciate the fact that she is trying to help me to get what I need, and that she isn’t rejecting me in this integration thing where we’ll be able to be each other at the same time.

When I am here, I wonder what that is going to feel like.  It’s scary.  I wonder what she is going to feel like when I am inside of her.  What will happen to my disgust at the butch women’s sexual touch?  What will happen when the part of me makes her want to lay down with a really pretty feminine girl?  I hafta believe it will all work out, but like with anything new, it’s kinda scary.  It makes me nervous.  This whole idea of it and what I’ll feel like.

She talks to me about it.  I mean, we discuss it together and we try to imagine it.  When she rides the rollercoasters, I try to tell her to let me come along and that we can practice this “coconsciousness” thing, and we can try to learn together what it feels like to both be present in the body at the same time.  I’ll be there, but then she’ll forget and tense up and won’t let me have the body and I have to tap at her awareness and say, “You’re not letting me do this.  You need to let go.”  Then, she’ll relax and let me slide into the space where she is, where the body control happens.

I can’t tell you like she does how we work it out, or how we switch it out, or who decides who is going to be there.  I don’t understand any of it.  I only know when I am needed and when I am awake.  One of the reasons that I’m typing to you now is that I recently woke up because she needed me.  That’s when I started talking to her and we started communicating in a real way.

Deneen has got this problem.  At least I see it as a problem.  She doesn’t think it’s a problem which is part of the problem.  She flirts a lot.  She likes to flirt.  She’s got this idea that it makes her better somehow if people are attracted to her.  I don’t feel like that and it wouldn’t do me any damn good if I did because I don’t get to come out and use the body to flirt with, and if I did, the girl would have to be a lesbian to like me because the body is a girl’s.  Deneen’s body, I mean.  Which is the one I use.

I guess I don’t mind it really.  It doesn’t really affect me when I do come out.  I remember one of the times that I used to come out was to play with Deneen’s little brother.  That makes him my little brother, too.  He had all of these sisters.  Three sisters.  Then the Daddy who didn’t stay home much or do much with us.  Well, he did take us fishing and do bonfires and stuff like that, and I got to play with the bonfires, and Deneen let me handle the worms and stuff, but then she’d come back and take over and do girlie singing crap, and run around laughing and scare all of the fish away.

She and her Dad also took us on the river sometimes and I’d be there for that.  Whenever Deneen got scared, like if there was something physical to do that might be dangerous or that she thought was yucky, she’d step back and I’d come out and be there and do it for her and enjoy it.  We didn’t really know that was what was happening, but now I can see that it is how it was.

On the farm, there was a lot of people daring people to do things.  Deneen got us stuck in a tree before, too, and she was just screaming and crying and panicking and I couldn’t do anything to help her.  She has to relax into me to let me come.  When I do, I smooth the fear out of her and think about things logically.  The adrenalin doesn’t affect me the way it does her, and I don’t freak out.  I’m not scared.  I like doing things like jumping out of barn roofs or down banks, or across creeks, or riding bikes really FAST!

So, her brother, he wanted to be able to do boy things and play with frogs and bugs and all of that.  I can remember it so vividly.  Deneen would look at him and wish that he had someone to relate to and who could play with him and she’d look at the bugs and wish that they didn’t bother her, so then she’d think about being brave enough and in a place where she wasn’t grossed out by them and…then I’d wake up and go play with the bugs and stuff with her brother.  We spent a lot of time in the yard hunting in the grass, and a lot of time on the old back porch between the two freezers because Deneen’s Mother wouldn’t want us to take our stuff in the house.

The smiles on her brother’s face were just precious, and we both loved him a lot!  I miss him, too.  We don’t get to see him anymore much, and he wouldn’t even know who I am anyway – but I’ll bet if I started talking to him about what we used to do together, he’d remember it, and even though it wasn’t really Deneen, he wouldn’t know the difference.  Well, I guess it was Deneen since I’m her.  It’s just weird for me sometimes to think of it like that.

I was trying to tell you a story and I keep getting off track, and pardon me if this isn’t as good as the stuff that Deneen usually writes, and if it goes off on these tangents and stuff.  I’m asking her not to edit this, and though it makes her uncomfortable, she’s kinda agreeing with me.  She can’t write for me.  It won’t be me then.

The story is how I am getting to write here to you now, and how it came about that Deneen and I are talking so closely now and trying to make sense of this all “becoming One” thing.  We even dream about it.  She does.  I don’t know if I dream, or if her dreams are my dreams.  I have more questions than I have understanding of anything at this point.

Now I’m going to attempt to stay on track with you here and tell the story.  Deneen went on a visit to a rollercoaster theme park and while she was there she got upset a couple of times.  One time, I didn’t have anything to do with.  She had a flashback when she saw a little girl, but that’s her story and she will tell that to you eventually.  The second time became my story.

Deneen has had a lot of people treat her very badly.  I try not to think about it.  Especially because that means it happened to me, too, and frankly, that’s just not something that I’m equipped to deal with at this point.

Lots of these people were mean to Deneen about sex.  She’s really fucked up (sorry to use the word “fuck” Deneen, but I want to).  She’s fucked up when it comes to sex.  She also is flirtatious in ways that I think are inappropriate and dangerous sometimes.  She can’t see it the way I do.  I feel bad for saying this about her, but she’s broken somehow in that way.  She’s divorced from the reality of things that way.  She doesn’t respond in normal ways when it comes to flirting or even sex.  Not that I’m always there for that or anything.  If she’s having sex with a man or a butch, I try my best to stay away.  If it’s a fem girl, well, then I peak out if I can wake up.  She doesn’t want me to tell that because lesbians are funny about men and she’s afraid that if she does date a fem lesbian in the future, they may think a man is looking at them.  I think she needs to stop worrying about what I say because the stuff she does is way more dangerous to us than this stuff that I’m saying now.  This stuff just affects her ego.

I don’t want to crush her ego – but I want us to be safe.  I NEED for her to be safe so that she can keep the body safe, and keep the mind working.  Otherwise, what happens to me?  I am only here to help keep her safe.  US safe.

In the theme park, someone made her react and made her feel threatened.  She was being her flirtatious self, and I think that’s what caused it, so, yes, I do think she is responsible for that.  I’ve told her that I think she needs to be more careful about that sort of thing and get a handle on it, but when she’s out, when she’s there, she doesn’t see it at all!  She didn’t see it this time and didn’t think she was doing anything wrong.  I don’t know that I would judge her at all and say that she’s doing something wrong, but I don’t fully understand why she does what she does and why she doesn’t understand that this can be dangerous to all of us in here.

So, she flirted and then the person crossed some imaginary line that she had drawn god knows how with god knows what and god knows where the line was and she freaked out!  She needed to go run screaming into the bushes and hide from everybody because some of us in here got scared.  I can’t speak for them, but I can say that a bunch of people woke up and were screaming.

So, Deneen turned her attention in, to all of us.  “I need to go away!” she said to us.  “I don’t want to ruin my time and everyone else’s time so I need somebody to come so that I can go away.”

I woke up and I came out, so when she backed out of the place where the body is controlled, I slid in, put the body on like the ill-fitting shirt that it seems to me, and I took over.

When I was present, I was able to get the situation under control.  It was hard and, I’ll admit, a little bit touchy, but I managed to somehow figure it all out and navigate it.  Thanks a lot to some of the great friends that she has.  There’s more that I’d like to say about that, but she’s asking me not to talk about it so I’m honoring that for her since she’s agreed to let me talk for myself at all.

I won’t let people pick on us.  I won’t let people harm us.  I’m not afraid to speak my mind, especially to other men, or to butches.  Deneen won’t speak up because she can’t.  Its part of her being broken.  I don’t give a damn what people say about what women should or shouldn’t do because I’m not a woman.  That’s why I can protect us and not worry about having to be social or make people happy.

This day in the park she was really scared that I would mess things up for her.  There was this girl there that she likes, and she thought that her going away and my taking over would freak the girl out.  Me?  I don’t get that.  I don’t understand why that’s so important, and if somebody likes her, they’re gonna like her whether I’m there or not.  Hell, they’ve gotta like me too, or at least the parts of me that are going to become a part of her.  Otherwise, what’s the point?  We’re stuck in this situation, and we have to be there for each other and the people on the outside have to deal with it or not deal with it however they want.

She didn’t feel that way about it, though and she freaked out inside of us trying to make sure that I talked to this “girl” (who, by the way, doesn’t seem like much of a girl to me) and explain what was going on.

Uh, oh!  I think I’m telling the stuff that she doesn’t want me to tell.  Well, all of it is out in the open now anyway.  Some of her friends got to meet me and one of them even talked to me.  Tried to anyway.  I only figured out later that I was confusing them with my talking because I kept calling Deneen “her” and they didn’t know who I was talking about because I was talking with Deneen’s mouth out of Deneen’s body so they got lost about it all for a bit.

The thing that I liked best about it was riding the roller-coasters!  Deneen stiffens up and fights the turns cause she hurt our neck once, or our neck got hurt anyways, on a coaster.  I’m not scared of them, though and I lean into the turns and I relax my body and I just like, meld into it and float with it.  I really liked it, and it was great to get to be fully in the body and be able to decide what to do and how.

I also had to pretend to be her, and to pretend to be interested in the things that she would have been interested in.  For that part, I wasn’t the only one there.  I had other people giving the sentences and working the mouth to speak them while I sat back inside the main core that of our awareness and watched and tried to be vigilant and on guard in case there was any danger that I had to move us away from.

In the end, it all turned out okay, and now she and I are talking better, and she’s getting used to the idea of my traits and how helpful it will be for her if she lets me be awake inside of her all of the time.  She has to get used to the idea that she can take up for us in the same way that I can.  I have to get used to the idea that she and I aren’t really separate, but that it’s some sort of wall we’ve built to keep us distanced to serve a purpose to keep the main core of all of us safe.

I don’t know where I will go.  How it will end up for me.  I rather think that it’ll be like when they talk about all of the spirits joining together with God in the end of the time of people here on this earth.  You know, spirits aren’t supposed to lose anything of themselves when they all join up to exist with God and to be one with God.

Now, I’m not saying that Deneen is God.  I’m just saying that the process seems to me like it might be similar.

Still, when I think about going away, I do get sad.  I don’t want to get sad, and I guess that it is the only thing that scares me.  I just want Deneen to be safe and I don’t want anyone to hurt her anymore and sometimes she just doesn’t have good damn sense!  She freezes up and blanks out and then we have to be here, not just me, but all of us, to rescue her, or animate her, or take the words and memories and roll them away from her, or even to put down the body until we can make sure that she will stay alive.

She just has so much fear and pain in here.  So many of us have so much fear and so much pain.  We have to be here for one another.  We have to be here for Deneen.  One day, she won’t be broken anymore.  One day, I think she’ll flow her awareness from one of us to the other without the walls up, and I just hope that we are still alive in some way, but not hurting.  I’m not hurting, but some of us are screaming all of the time, and it will be very nice for those of us in here when all of that can come to a stop.  It’ll be worth it for whatever sacrifices I need to make for Deneen for that to happen for her – which really is what is happening for me too because I’m her too.

I know it probably has confused all of you what I’ve said, but maybe some of you will get some little pieces of it.  Maybe some of you will be nicer to people like us, and people like Deneen, and maybe you’ll understand it more.  She’s getting better about talking about us, and about talking to us even though I know she’d rather pretend that I’m not here, and that we are all not here.  That’s one reason that we don’t have names.  And theres the reason that she wants to get us all together as one and not name us and make us be other and more separate people.

Well, I’m going to end with one thing that I noticed and one thing that I liked.  I liked the fact that when I was on the rollercoaster and it took the picture and I looked at it, I could see that it was me and not her.  She always is smiling and she usually has her mouth open.  Actually, usually she is talking.  Some of us are very quiet.  Not her, though.  I don’t really think I look good using her face, and I think she is very pretty when she is smiling and not so pretty when I’m there and she’s not.  But I’m a boy, and I guess I’m not supposed to be pretty anyway.  So, I liked it.  Seeing myself.  Having control of the body while riding the rollercoasters.

Deneen is saying that it is like therapy.  Like rollercoaster therapy and that we should write it off as a medical expense.  She thinks she’s so funny!

So I’m gonna go and stop talking now and I hope that some of you out there have liked what I have to say and that I explained it like you could understand a little.  I kinda want to talk while I still can.  While I can still be somebody that’s her but not her.  We are on our way to all being Her.  Her without walls.  That sounds a lot like a rock group “Her Without Walls”!  As many of us are in here, it’s a shame we don’t play an instrument and then we could make a band all by ourselves.  The integration would break up the band, then, and that would be sad.

We’ve had enough sadness.  Enough, enough, enough!

I’ll be seeing you if you like my writing, and if I have more to say, and if she agrees that I can say it.  Thanks for acknowledging me because it can get lonely in here, and god knows I’m not going to get a girlfriend or have any sex or have a family except for Deneen and who she gets with.  Maybe it will be a good thing when I’m out there instead of in here.  I hope so.

Be seeing you!  At least on the coasters!

Special thanks to: Jim Dollar Photography