by: Jim Dollar Photography
The last time I wrote a blog entry, I had planned to write about, had even previously posted a warning for my lesbian friends regarding, the numerous guys in my life. Yes, I have had many men, and they have been WONDERFUL! Make no mistake. I’ve had guys who were macho…and intellectually challenged. I’ve had guys who were just intellectually challenged, except for that important, seemingly-un-teachable bedroom prowess. I’ve had guys who were fully intellectual and soft like the underbelly of a kitten. I’ve even had guys who were girls, trapped inside the body with the penis. I’ve had nerds, of both sexes, and lots of nerds, and were I not in a monogamous, committed relationship (with a nerd, I might add), I just might be agreeable to hunting up some more of them because I LOVE ME SOME NERDS!
I’ve come to realize, though, that this is not what I first want to write about. This may be a factor in my not coming back to this space for a while. I needed some time to settle in and discover what to talk about next. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about or remember the guys. I do that, and I’ve done that, and we will do that here—but not now. Not now, because that is not what my “now†life is about and, no offense meant to the many amazing men out there, they are not my calling. Not the men with penises anyway. No, I’m made up of the stuff who likes a woman with a little bit of man in her. That’s not a “cutsie†way of referring to a threesome, either.
I think that the people I most admire in this life that we’re living, are the people who encompass characteristics of both genders. It’s not just in the way that they look, but in the way that they carry themselves and the activities that they choose to pursue. There are lines that are crossed by many intellectual males that cause our cultural judgments to label them as more feminine, and I’m not sure that this is a truth, but it is how they are perceived. I don’t know if being a “thinking man†who likes to care for children and keep himself groomed is truly “feminineâ€. I know plenty of stupid, dirty girls who are horrible mothers, and we don’t label them “masculineâ€. Nevertheless, when we see a man like the one I’ve described above, we think of him as feminine—and I’ll take it! LOVE men like that! They aren’t LESSER men. They’re BETTER men.
On the flipside, if a girl doesn’t like to wear makeup and lace, if she’s good with tools in her hands, and I don’t mean in the bedroom-prowess way, if she doesn’t mind grease, bugs and ballcaps, she’s often culturally seen as masculine. We even have a phrase for that: tomboy. I’m here to tell you that not all girls like these girls feel boyish at ALL. If you were to ask them to describe themselves on the inside, you’d find them to be just as moody, sensitive and romantically-inclined as any girl with fake nails, plucked eyebrows and a short skirt.
My point is this, I don’t know or understand all of the differences in the masculine and the feminine, and I’m not sure that anyone does. Once one starts to delve deeper into these labels, they make less and less sense. What I do know, is that there is an undercurrent in some people, there is this coating and slathering of energy that reaches out to me and says, “I am both male and female; I am a complete being.†All wrapped up in that neat little emotive package is also the sexual energy of the individual. It’s this plus some kind of pheromonal concoction that draws all of us to one another when we wish to couple-up.
I’ve encountered, as I’m sure have most of you out there, sexual energy in people that has transcended anything else that they might be sending out. This has nothing to do with gender, and often, nothing even to do with sexual preference. Some people are just SEXY! It’s a part of their makeup, and I’m not sure that THAT has anything to do with the business of being masculine or feminine either. I can say that, from certain folks, I feel very drawn to something that feels like masculinity, and from others, something that feels like femininity. There’s no proper way to really describe it, because I’d need words that we don’t have in this language; words to describe the emotions and energy exchanges that pass every day, unnamed (and this is not the same thing as unexpressed), between people. It’s not about what they do, what they wear, or even how they choose to act.
We humans like to think that we are long past the acting of hormones and the wild call of mating desires that throb through our species—but this is simply not the case. At our core, we are animals, and there is nothing that puts me more in touch with this fact than when I’m in the room with a certain type of woman. If there’s a butch lesbian or a transgendered man (a man who resides within the physical body of a woman) around, I know it. My mind and body find her/him. My spirit senses her and turns our energy to her. And she finds me. The same thing is happening with her. I can not tell you how many times I’ve looked across a crowded room full of “normal†folks, and briefly met the eyes of a woman that our culture would label lesbian, then looked—quickly—away. But the look is enough. From even before the look, there is this connection that reaches out, the connection that sparks the look, beyond any awareness of ourselves, and links us together. It feels to me, like destiny. It always has.
I’m not sure what this means, or if it “means†anything. I’ve long thought that there is a balance of all things in this Universe we currently occupy. If a thing exists, then so does its counterpart. As a matter of fact, it would not surprise me to learn that the moment a “thing†springs into existence, its counterweight spontaneously appears. This type of reasoning, I apply to my own sexual leanings. There are, in existence, human beings who are everywhere on the gender scale from male to female, and everywhere on the sexual orientation scale, from heterosexuality to homosexuality (and may I remind you that gender and sexual identities have nothing to do with one another). For each of these individuals, there is their counterbalance in the form of a partner who is seeking out that which they are able to give. For me, the individual that I am most successful at lock-and-keying-it with is the woman, as I said before, with a little bit of man in her. —Or a lot.
This is not to say that there aren’t people who don’t fit that description to whom I don’t also find myself extremely drawn. Sometimes, that’s because they’re one of the “just-sexy†people. Sometimes, frilly and feminine women with no expressed hint of maleness attract my attention, because I am a lover of ALL women, and not limited in my appreciation for the feminine presence and form. There may be other things about myself and another person that mesh; a joining of intellectual energies, moral commonality, spiritual journeying, or other shared traits to which sexual expression has attached itself and strung along the lines of other-connectedness. However, when it comes to raw, animalistic, almost-unfailing sexual energy, it’s the girl/boy who gets my attention the fastest, holds it the longest, and fills-me-to-the-brim with intensity.
I remember the very first time that I felt this phenomenon, and from that first awakening, it has never, not ever, stopped. Nor do I expect it to—or even want it to. There’s no reason to wish for things to be any different. One of our greatest challenges as beings, here, is to accept ourselves—learn to recognize, and rejoice in, that which we are. This doesn’t mean that we can’t take side roads, put on a coat of a different color, try something that we never thought we’d try. All too often, people put themselves in little boxes with these unending sides, with only previously-approved allowable contents. This includes their self-professed gender and sexual identities. It seem silly really, for why else are we here but to experience ALL that life has to offer? What God would gift us with all of this, set a bowl of confection before us, and beg us not to eat of it? Well, the God of the Christian Old Testament would, but that’s a complaint (maybe a blog post?) for another time!
For now, and first, I plan to share with you the wonderful sweets who have been the girls of my life, some of the girls who’ve been boys in my life, and I’ll probably throw in a couple of “just boys†(if there truly, really IS such a thing) as I go along. We shall see which stories come to the surface, and I’ll hope that you will enjoy with me the delicious tales that make up the experiences of the whole of the entity: “The Deneenâ€.
Thanks, as always to Jim Dollar Photography. You make my blog, not to mention my life, pretty!
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