Who Am I? (Have I Ever Really Known?) [500]

by Julie Carriker

3 June 2012

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Flash Writing

Inspired by down the rabbit hole

part 4 of the series: The Book of Revelations


We were in love, and wanted to be together, but I couldn’t just show up on her doorstep. What would she say? Would she even want me? No, I had to find somewhere else to go. I also had two daughters to think about.

I was in too much shock to do much. I went through email, printing and deleting, wondering which ones Rick had read. We’d gotten out of control, Lex and I. It started as harmless flirting, but quickly escalated in intensity. We were each ‘stuck’ in our current lives, but talked of the time when we could really be together. We talked of finally finding "the One," and that even though we couldn’t officially marry, we could stand together and pledge ourselves to each other.

But that would have to wait awhile. Did I really want to wait though? Or was I willing to take any risk to be with the first person I’d ever felt comfortable being myself with? The first person who really seemed to accept me?

Then I called Lex.

"He knows," I said.

"Yes," she sounded shaken. "I got an email from him this morning. I’m sorry I started all this… What are we going to do?"

"You didn’t start it, " I assured her, unsure which of us was actually responsible. "WE started it."

"But you’re a married woman, with children. I should have known better!"

"Do you still love me?" I asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"Yes… I still love you… but this does complicate things. What if Rick calls my father? Does he have our number?" She was silent for a moment. "That would be it for me, if my father found out… he’d throw me out of my house, disown me… then what would we do?"

"Don’t worry, Love," I said hurriedly. "He doesn’t have it, and doesn’t even know about your father." I didn’t even stop to realize that he could check the cell phone bill to get the number.

"But if he read your emails, he may." She didn’t sound at all convinced. "I think we should cool it for awhile… until things calm down. I love you, but there’s just too much at risk—for both of us. What are you going to do?"

"I don’t know," I sighed, "Find someplace to stay, I guess. I need to call Jacqueline, maybe one of her friends could help. And I’ll check with the Lesbian/Gay Alliance at the University… I’ve never thought of myself as a lesbian before…"

"Okay, you need to work on that." I could tell she didn’t want to get into a sexual orientation discussion, but I was feeling myself being pushed over a line I’d never anticipated being forced over.

I knew it was now time for me to declare who I really was and what I really wanted. It was time for me to stand up for myself and speak for myself.

But what would that do to my life? My children?



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TitleDate Posted
The Wonderland of Writing2 February 2009

Alternate Drabbles

TitleDate Posted
Tour into Madness [bonus]27 June 2012
What Might It Be Like?11 July 2009

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