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Aggressive Girl

Her face kept intruding into my mind – and at the most inconvenient times.  She seemed familiar to me somehow, but I couldn’t figure out from where.  She had very dark, long hair, like mine had been when I was younger.  In fact, she was younger, like a girl in her twenties.  The style of her attire would probably be best described as “party”, in that almost-a-slut kind of way.

When I was sitting at my desk,  when I was driving, when my mind would wander, she’d pop into it, always happy, always smiling.  Kind-of irritatingly happy.  She seemed like an old friend trying to reestablish a once close relationship.  I had this nagging feeling right underneath my consciousness that I just couldn’t shake.  The glowing countenance began to SERIOUSLY get on my nerves – especially when she started interrupting my sex life.

I was in a new relationship, and as with most new relationships, there was a lot of great sex.  That is, until “She” came along.  My girlfriend and I would get hot and heavy and BAM!, this woman would flash into my mind, full-on, looking right into my eyes in far too familiar a fashion.  I seemed to be feeling HER, too, as she looked at me and into me, as I kissed and held my partner in my arms.

The feelings were so strange and incomprehensible that I would begin to cry.  I would shut my eyes and try to “will” her presence away from me.  I would gather up my mental energies and, with all of the force I could muster, drive against this discomfiting person who wouldn’t let me have time alone with my lover.  Twice in a row, I couldn’t continue with sex because I dissolved into a crying mass that was shouting, “Leave me alone!” – into the silence of my own mind.

As I curled myself into a sexually frustrated, sobbing heap, it began to dawn on me that I knew this face in my mind.  This was my face!  I knew this woman.  This woman was me.  She was just “another” me.

For the first time, I had one of my personalities trying to make contact.  She wanted me to acknowledge her, and she had something to say.

Now, knowing and accepting that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder was quite different from actually meeting, face-to-face, as it were, one of the individuals who I also am.  It tends to bring some, uh, interesting factors into one’s relationships.  I told my girlfriend about the girl in my mind, and that I thought she was trying to communicate.  I said, “I know what to do, theoretically, in order to try to let her have the body, so, if you are willing, why don’t we experiment with this?  I will attempt to talk to her and we’ll see whether or not I can let her speak.”

“Anything that you think will help,” she replied,  “because this not-being-able-to-have-sex bullshit is getting old!”  So began my first conscious, fearful, tentative attempt at speaking with, and surrendering my body to, one of my “others”.

As I reached out to this personality who was the first to reach out to me, I had no “name” for her, nor has she ever given me a name.  She had shown me her face, and I had felt the emotional energy accompanying what made up the personality that was her.  As a matter of fact, as I write this about her, she wants to come forward now.  This constant switching back and forth is exhausting to the “topmost” me.

I don’t have a name for this person who is doing the writing, either!  It’s just “ME”.  The trouble with my particular dissociation is that each “me” that comes to the surface feels like me.  Whatever person is looking out at you, well, we all think that we are “me”.  There’s no sense of occupying the body of another being.  We just feel like we ARE whichever consciousness is “facing forward”.  We are aware that there are other voices underneath the surface, but I seem to have this overall awareness that remains the same, no matter what particular set of personality traits are shifting through it at the time.

Sometimes, I wonder if this isn’t my “God Self”, or my “Spirit Self”, or my “Soul” even – but, for now let’s leave all of that aside.  I’d like to share, instead, some insights that might clarify the origin of the personality who was requesting communication with me.

In my life, I’ve endured a lot of sexual trauma.  From my teen years and onward, the me who is writing now remembers unwelcome “hands on” attention.  In my culture, through observation and example, I was taught that women were born to serve men’s needs – in EVERY sense of the word.  Throughout human history, women taking care of things at home left the stronger bodied hunters with more freedom and more time to chase game.

I’m not proposing that this mind-set is exclusive to the South, because I think it is pervasive in a lot of cultures.  I know that I was not the only woman one who got the message that the sexual fulfillment of men was my job to do, but I did receive it, loud and clear.  Moreover, my father taught me that it was how good a woman was at fulfilling this duty that gave one a measure of her real worth.  Although often pleasurable, this work of being a piece of meat for a man’s pleasure was a task that could turn unpleasant, traumatic even.  I had no idea that I would have a friend and a rescuer come forward to help share the burden of it with me.  As it turned out, I was just about to meet her.

My lover and I sat upon the living room couch while I put myself into a meditative state and prepared to step out of my body.  I relaxed and tried to erase all outside thoughts, to make my awareness a blank slate of openness.  Once I felt that I’d traveled deeply enough, gotten myself out of the way enough, I reached into my mind and said, “Okay!  You can have the body, but on ONE condition!  You have to let ‘me’ stay, too.”

Slowly my limp and relaxed body came to life once again.  With almost the same sensation as one gets when watching one’s body lift in the water without any effort of one’s own, I achieved, for the first time, co-consciousness with another of my selves.  She came forth all sultry and sexy and touchy and…well…aroused.  The top “me” slid into the background and took over the position of “watcher”.  Watch, I did, as this new person slid her hands (my hands) up and down the body of my lover, leaning in close, whispering in her ear, nibbling at her neck.  “Hi!” was all that she said.  It seemed that her mouth was used to talking with a different sort-of language.

“Who are you?” I asked from behind her, through our mental connection.  “Where have you come from?”

“Me?” she laughed lightly, and I could feel that she was playful and jovial and light of spirit.  “I used to have sex for you.  I used to have sex with the men when it was too much for you to handle.

“Lately, I’ve been watching your life.  I’ve been wondering about what it’s like.  You see, I think I like this girl, and I’ve never had sex with a woman before.”

Thus, I began my first real conversation with the personality that is known to me now, for reasons that will eventually become obvious, as Aggressive Girl.

Posted in My Personalities.

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5 Responses

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  1. charlene says

    well i was very privileged to get a preview of this entry, so you probably already know what i will have to say. i think this is my favorite posting so far. i really got a feeling of what your DID must be like, and i could really feel your frustration as you tried to deal with your personality emerging. when you cried in the story, ‘I’ wanted to cry!

    thank you for this entry. you know i have my own personal struggles inside my head, and i think i can safely say though they are different, they help me to be empathetic to what you experience. this was so fascinating to read though…it helped me to really understand so much better what it is like for you.

  2. Mike Bernier says

    I also had the privilege to preview this entry, and the picture you painted here was crystal clear. I must say your postings are conveying ever increasing sensations of feeling as I read them — all at once I sensed frustration, conflict, fear, curiosity and wonderment in your words. I don’t know how I would have reacted if I had been in the room when you turned you body over to this other personality, but thankfully someone was there who was understanding and open to letting you try.

    I cannot say that I even begin to understand what you go through in dealing with DID, but I can say that I’m learning more and more with each posting, and I’m finding it’s a story that is so compelling to me that I want to continue reading, I want to learn more, and I want to truly understand.

  3. Deneen Ansley says

    Charlene – I’m so glad that this post came out in a way that helped you to better understand what goes on in my mind. There is a blessing in every tragic thing if we just take the time to unwrap it, and if we can be patient enough to wait for that unveiling to happen in it’s own, slow, sweet time.

    My hope is that God will speak through my writings to touch the lives of people who need help in understanding some of the same issues with which I have been faced, either because it is happening to them, or to someone they love. I’m grateful that I’m gifted enough to explain things in a way that makes at least a little bit of sense!

  4. Deneen Ansley says

    Mike – I’m very glad that you are interested in learning more, and that you are able to get my meanings and see my struggle.

    You have been present when some of my other personalities have had control – I just wasn’t co-conscious with them, so you only had interaction with one “me”. I can see why it would be intimidating to try and deal with two “me’s” at the same time! I am also grateful that I had someone willing to walk through the process with me when Aggressive Girl needed to talk.

    Thanks for stopping by and, please, keep reading!

Continuing the Discussion

  1. Tweets that mention Aggressive Girl – The In and Out Patient -- linked to this post on 28 March, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Deneen Ansley. Deneen Ansley said: Wanna' meet one of the sexy sides of The Deneen? This post: Aggressive Girl […]

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