Unresolved Angst

When I came to you I thought I would be reclaiming myself. I thought I could finally gather all the hidden pieces of me and integrate them into a full person. This new life with you was going to be my rebirth!

You said we would ‘reinvent’ ourselves once we’d moved to a city where no one knew us. I was excited that we could be 'as crazy as we wanted to be,’ and do all those things we’d always wanted to, but never really dared, (or were never allowed).

I got on that plane full of hope, heading for a life full of promise.

When I arrived at my new home though, I found that things would not be as I’d expected.

You were in the midst of a grief I couldn’t break through. I wanted to help you, but try as I would, I couldn’t reach you. Our new start would have to wait until you were healed.

But I resolved to be patient. I still thought everything we’d dreamt of would happen.

Time passed, and as we adjusted to living together, growing closer in some ways, we grew farther apart in others. We connected still then, but not as often, and not as completely or as deeply.

You didn’t want all of me, only a part, so I began to put some pieces of myself back into storage. I bid them tearful good-byes as I tucked them into the darkness once more.

I hoped this was only temporary, that you would see what you were losing, and what I was losing, and want it all back.

I still managed to live in hope.

Life went on, full of the usual joys and sorrows. I almost lost you forever, but I was determined to stay with you, and to give you the strength and love to stay with me.

I prayed to whatever power there is to not take you from me. I promised I would endure anything, I would make any sacrifice, I would lose any pieces I had to lose, just to keep you with me.

You found that strength, and after a time I brought you back to our home, some the worse for wear, but still with me.

I would face my circumstances with grace.

But grace was not as easy as I had hoped, (is it ever?).

After enjoying their brief time in the sunlight the hidden pieces of me remained restless. I couldn’t muffle them as easily as I’d been able to do in years past.

We clashed often, and it was distressing to us both. I fought against bitterness and you fought against guilt.

No one ‘did’ this to me. I made my choices, even if I wasn’t seeing them clearly at the time. I must learn to adjust to my reality. I cannot blame you for not being the person I want, (I need), you to be, anymore that I could ever blame a cat for not being a dog.