Who Am I? (Have I Ever Really Known?)

We were in love, and wanted to be together, but I couldn�t just show up on her doorstep. What would she say? Would she even want me? No, I had to find somewhere else to go. I also had two daughters to think about.

I was in too much shock to do much. I went through email, printing and deleting, wondering which ones Rick had read. We�d gotten out of control, Lex and I. It started as harmless flirting, but quickly escalated in intensity. We were each �stuck� in our current lives, but talked of the time when we could really be together. We talked of finally finding "the One," and that even though we couldn�t officially marry, we could stand together and pledge ourselves to each other.

But that would have to wait awhile. Did I really want to wait though? Or was I willing to take any risk to be with the first person I�d ever felt comfortable being myself with? The first person who really seemed to accept me?

Then I called Lex.

"He knows," I said.

"Yes," she sounded shaken. "I got an email from him this morning. I�m sorry I started all this� What are we going to do?"

"You didn�t start it, " I assured her, unsure which of us was actually responsible. "WE started it."

"But you�re a married woman, with children. I should have known better!"

"Do you still love me?" I asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"Yes� I still love you� but this does complicate things. What if Rick calls my father? Does he have our number?" She was silent for a moment. "That would be it for me, if my father found out� he�d throw me out of my house, disown me� then what would we do?"

"Don�t worry, Love," I said hurriedly. "He doesn�t have it, and doesn�t even know about your father." I didn�t even stop to realize that he could check the cell phone bill to get the number.

"But if he read your emails, he may." She didn�t sound at all convinced. "I think we should cool it for awhile� until things calm down. I love you, but there�s just too much at risk�for both of us. What are you going to do?"

"I don�t know," I sighed, "Find someplace to stay, I guess. I need to call Jacqueline, maybe one of her friends could help. And I�ll check with the Lesbian/Gay Alliance at the University� I�ve never thought of myself as a lesbian before�"

"Okay, you need to work on that." I could tell she didn�t want to get into a sexual orientation discussion, but I was feeling myself being pushed over a line I�d never anticipated being forced over.

I knew it was now time for me to declare who I really was and what I really wanted. It was time for me to stand up for myself and speak for myself.

But what would that do to my life? My children?