Calling In Panic

“Pick it up. Do it!”

Sharon sits very still, staring down her intimate, personal enemy. She tries meditating, focusing on her inner strength searching for her balanced center – wherever the hell that might be. She tries all the tricks she’s read about in self-help books. Still, there is a tightness in her chest and the breathing she struggles to control is escaping in short, shallow waves. Her heart is racing, pumping adrenaline and she knows that HE will see it. He will see the perspiration appearing, the dampness around the hairline of her pale face.

“You’ll have to do it sooner or later. Putting it off is just torturing yourself.

“Have you taken your damn pills?”

And, here was the beginning: “I’m not a child, Lando.” Sharon hears her defeated voice trail.

“I don’t understand you! Why do you resist me? I get so tired of going through this month after month!”

“You think YOU’RE tired? You should try being me!” The words echo in her skull, trapped, not dared uttered aloud.

“Stop bitching about it! Stop resisting! Millions of people do it every day.”

“Millions of folks die every day.” She says bravely, wincing, continuing to stare at that thing holding her paralyzed, not able to tear her eyes away as Lando paces back and forth.

“This isn’t one of your Lifetime movies, Sharon. This is real!”

“Don’t patronize me Lando! I know the difference between real life and movies. Belittling me isn’t going to get you what you want.” She wants to add that the Lifetime Movies ARE real, that those sad and horrific things happen to ordinary people. People like her, during times like these.

Just do it? She would not!

She stands her ground, trembling.

With slow, purposeful movements, Lando stops pacing and turns, his voice dripping with a honeyed tone, “Baby, you’re perfectly safe. I promise you.”

He steps toward her clutching the large, formidable handset of the cordless phone.

“Please, don’t!” Sharon can hardly muffle her internal scream as her throat gargles out the desperate plea.

His body language changes as he stops, mid-stride, coming to some decision.

Sharon tastes blood, and realizes that she’s shredded her lip, biting so hard in the midst of her terror.

She watches as Lando furiously punches at the phone and extends the headset.

She flinches.

“Look, I dialed it for you.

“Just take it!”

Sharon swallows hard, gagging a bit on the taste of blood that has combined with that sharp taste that always accompanies her tears. Those are streaming down her flushed cheeks, unchecked.

There’s a begging, helpless look in Lando’s eyes.

Sharon’s entire being is flooded with guilt and shame. Shame that such fear is controlling her life.

Fear of an object. An inanimate object.

Taking a deep breath, she tentatively reaches out.

Lando smiles in encouragement as she grasps and cautiously places the dreaded phone against her ear.

“Beep, beep, beep. All circuits are busy now. Could you please try your call again later?”